Paciencia y Fé

Paciencia y fé. It's a phrase I have been trying very hard to live by. In English, it translates to, quite simply, "Patience and faith." Of course, there's really nothing simple about translation and so much gets lost in it. These three words, in Spanish, mean something much deeper and richer, something that, honestly, I still haven't found words to describe in English.

Patience. It's something we think we have, but we don't truly know the meaning of it until we have been tested. Not, like, wait for the bus that is half an hour late tested, but TESTED. Tested by the people in our life, tested by the circumstances, tested by procedures and obstacles and the giant Murphy's Law that is life. Patience is waiting for people you love even when they have left your life, even when they are determined to not come back. Patience is waiting for them to decide that some things aren't so easy to break, waiting for however long that takes, even if it lasts the rest of this lifetime. There'll be others, after all.*

Faith. Faith is so much more than religion and belief systems would have us think it is, and, as I'm working through these two concepts, I'm realizing how inextricably they're entangled with one another. Faith is trusting that, no matter how long you wait, things will work out. It's believing that love and doing good in this world matter. It's believing that things may be hard, but they will get better. That this, too, shall pass. That the people who you love who no longer love you will see the light. That the choices you've made in life, particularly the good ones, will pay off. That people will grow up, change, make better choices (in this case, I have my little sister in mind, who is in college and, while incredibly bright, making incredibly stupid life choices). Faith could be, yes, a belief in something bigger, a higher power, one that takes care of all this for us. And who's to say? Maybe there is. I'm certainly not going to be the one to make that call one way or another; it's not my place.

Paciencia y fé is, for me, a way of life and one that did not come easily. Over the last two years, I have been going through a slow, at times unbelievably painful, growth spurt spiritually (again, not necessarily in a religious sense). I'll go into it more at a later date, as the people, activities and revelations that caused and influenced it are topics on their own, but this process, well, it's shown me how much truth there is in this phrase... so much that I'll be having it added to my tattoo collection at some point. This phrase means acting on instinct and trusting that it will all work out, if only we have the strength to see life through.

Some days, paciencia y fé is a goal. Sometimes, it's a prayer, a realization, an aspiration, something I've attained. Everyday it's a reminder... of what, I don't know. But that's part of the beauty of it, it's ever changing nature. So, tonight, after a long, trying, stressful day that came from somewhere out of left field, the only two words I have for myself, the two that will lull me to sleep and sustain me through tomorrow and the next tomorrow and the next tomorrow are these: Paciencia y fé.

Be Good.

-Norma

*That reminds me, one of these days, I should really explain my relationship with Buddhism.

By Way of an Introduction of Sorts...

I find writing to be an odd thing. I only want to do it, actively, when I’m either very happy or very sad, I find. When I’m sad, it’s usually better that I don’t and take the opportunity to walk away from my computer and, I don’t know, go on adventure or something. When I’m happy, it’s usually because I’m out adventuring, so I’m nowhere near my computer so that I can write. Hence, I, clearly, do not do a lot of writing, much to my frustration.

THAT SAID, lately, I find myself in a pretty good mood. In spite of the fact that I’m living in a city I didn’t think I would ever come to enjoy (more on that later) and in a doctorate program that I am, more or less, completely dispassionate about at this point, I’m, dare I say it, content. Which leads me to my point, in a roundabout fashion: it’s all about attitude.

I do, of course, realize how cliché that is. Even though we hear it all the time, though, I don’t think enough of us really understand what it means. Even though I know I, personally, have preached it for years to people who were in situations they weren’t happy in, I didn’t quite understand what it really meant until this year.

This is my third year in Los Angeles. I was ready to leave about a month after I got here, and a year ago I took a trip to New York City that I didn’t think I would make it back from. I consider New York my home. Stepping off the plane last year, I felt a kind of peace that I hadn’t in almost two years. I felt like I was finally in step with the city around me, and I spent the better part of 11 days feeling like myself. Getting on the plan to leave that and come back to LA was difficult, to say the very least, but I did it. A year later, I find myself continuing to survive and, much to my shock, enjoying it.

People underestimate how much where you live has to do with how you feel. I’m not just talking about an apartment with all your stuff where you feel comfortable, but I’m talking about a neighborhood. I currently live in a super Jewish neighborhood. The thing about it, though, is that it actually feels like a neighborhood. After living here for a while, there are now some people I recognize when I go out. The people who work at some of the stores I frequent recognize me, too, though part of that could be because I’m one of the few non-Jewish people in this area. Either way, it feels like what I always imagined a neighborhood would, what neighborhoods in New York always felt like they would be. It feels about the closest to “home” that I think I can feel here. That said, I, of course, have to move in August, but I’m trying not to think too hard about that until I have to.

Living here has greatly affected my attitude and put me in a head space that allows me to seek out opportunities for activities that can make this city as a whole more acceptable for me. I’m stuck here the next three years, probably (unless I find a job and decide to leave), so it’s important that I suck it up and get on board with making the rest of my time here bearable and, if I can, enjoyable. I started my doctorate in fall, and there was something about signing on for four more years that really kicked me in the ass and forced me to start facing my relationship with this city in order to try to fix it. At this point, LA and I are no longer openly fighting and are learning to coexist quite well.

Everyone’s methods of coping are different. For me, it’s to get myself as far away from the jail known as my department as I can in order to do things and go places that make me happy. That usually leads me to places and events that are in no way related to my field. I know, I know, there’s clearly something off and I probably should be thinking about another job if I’m this dissatisfied with my current life track, but there’ll be time for that later. For now, my tuition is being paid, and I’m living off grant money, so I try not to question it too much.

All of this is a very roundabout way of saying that, despite how long ago I started this blog, I finally feel like I’m in a productive place to put words down here. This entry serves as a sort of background and an idea of what you can expect from me. As you can see, you can expect rambling and not much that has a point. When I remember to post here, it will be in fits and bursts and probably have little to do with anything. But I hope you find it enjoyable or, at the very least, slightly amusing. I try to be both.

For now, I will leave it at this, though. Stayed tuned for adventures, frustrations, musings and general randomness.

Be good.

-Norma