I find writing to be an odd thing. I only want to do it, actively, when I’m either very happy or very sad, I find. When I’m sad, it’s usually better that I don’t and take the opportunity to walk away from my computer and, I don’t know, go on adventure or something. When I’m happy, it’s usually because I’m out adventuring, so I’m nowhere near my computer so that I can write. Hence, I, clearly, do not do a lot of writing, much to my frustration.
THAT SAID, lately, I find myself in a pretty good mood. In spite of the fact that I’m living in a city I didn’t think I would ever come to enjoy (more on that later) and in a doctorate program that I am, more or less, completely dispassionate about at this point, I’m, dare I say it, content. Which leads me to my point, in a roundabout fashion: it’s all about attitude.
I do, of course, realize how cliché that is. Even though we hear it all the time, though, I don’t think enough of us really understand what it means. Even though I know I, personally, have preached it for years to people who were in situations they weren’t happy in, I didn’t quite understand what it really meant until this year.
This is my third year in Los Angeles. I was ready to leave about a month after I got here, and a year ago I took a trip to New York City that I didn’t think I would make it back from. I consider New York my home. Stepping off the plane last year, I felt a kind of peace that I hadn’t in almost two years. I felt like I was finally in step with the city around me, and I spent the better part of 11 days feeling like myself. Getting on the plan to leave that and come back to LA was difficult, to say the very least, but I did it. A year later, I find myself continuing to survive and, much to my shock, enjoying it.
People underestimate how much where you live has to do with how you feel. I’m not just talking about an apartment with all your stuff where you feel comfortable, but I’m talking about a neighborhood. I currently live in a super Jewish neighborhood. The thing about it, though, is that it actually feels like a neighborhood. After living here for a while, there are now some people I recognize when I go out. The people who work at some of the stores I frequent recognize me, too, though part of that could be because I’m one of the few non-Jewish people in this area. Either way, it feels like what I always imagined a neighborhood would, what neighborhoods in New York always felt like they would be. It feels about the closest to “home” that I think I can feel here. That said, I, of course, have to move in August, but I’m trying not to think too hard about that until I have to.
Living here has greatly affected my attitude and put me in a head space that allows me to seek out opportunities for activities that can make this city as a whole more acceptable for me. I’m stuck here the next three years, probably (unless I find a job and decide to leave), so it’s important that I suck it up and get on board with making the rest of my time here bearable and, if I can, enjoyable. I started my doctorate in fall, and there was something about signing on for four more years that really kicked me in the ass and forced me to start facing my relationship with this city in order to try to fix it. At this point, LA and I are no longer openly fighting and are learning to coexist quite well.
Everyone’s methods of coping are different. For me, it’s to get myself as far away from the jail known as my department as I can in order to do things and go places that make me happy. That usually leads me to places and events that are in no way related to my field. I know, I know, there’s clearly something off and I probably should be thinking about another job if I’m this dissatisfied with my current life track, but there’ll be time for that later. For now, my tuition is being paid, and I’m living off grant money, so I try not to question it too much.
All of this is a very roundabout way of saying that, despite how long ago I started this blog, I finally feel like I’m in a productive place to put words down here. This entry serves as a sort of background and an idea of what you can expect from me. As you can see, you can expect rambling and not much that has a point. When I remember to post here, it will be in fits and bursts and probably have little to do with anything. But I hope you find it enjoyable or, at the very least, slightly amusing. I try to be both.
For now, I will leave it at this, though. Stayed tuned for adventures, frustrations, musings and general randomness.
Be good.
-Norma
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